SPIDER MAN REFERENCE

There are times when I know what I'm talking about, and times when I don't. Tonight was neither. I said that if Manny got a hit with the bases loaded, the series would be over. However, Eric Wedge must have heard me, because pitching around Manny might have just saved their season. I will take full and complete credit for this. I can call things. If we could make prop bets that were mixed with futures, I'd be driving a Bentley with twelve ladies hanging off the roof (I'd let them in, but this is leather in here baby).

Anyway, baseball is great and all, but sleep might be a little better. Fuck, my roommate from Rhode Island (or RI Guy) started freaking out about this loss. Yeah, I'd freak out too if I had the best lineup in the postseason. Boston fans are like fat high school girls - they need to bitch about problems. Until next time.

Twenty players, 5 innings, one goal: baseball goals.

ALDS Game 2 partial diary

I'm waiting till about midnight to go out dancin', and I'm not going to do homework on a Saturday night, so I'm going to do a live diary of Game 2 of the ALDS, starting in the bottom of the 1st.

7:45 - Do we need to see those fans holding up that Ortiz sign in the last row every night? Fuck, we get it - they're losers.

7:52 - Wait...the Red Sox put Schilling on the DL when he wasn't hurt? Get Gregg Easterbrook on this! Let's call it InjuryGate! I don't know what I hate more right now, Page 2 or the Red Sox. If Bill Simmons and Jim Caple were calling this game, I would be positive I died last night and that wasnt a dream.

7:56 - Minnesota athlete shout-out alert! Very classy ad showing a little girl pinning up a picture of Joe Mauer, especially seeing as that's how every young girl in Minnesota considers themselves a Twins fan. Hey, the more the merrier (that's not meant as a pedophilia thing). Annnnnd it's ruined by Dane Cook. "Who would want to play the Diamondbacks right now?" I dunno. The Rockies are probably pretty jacked about it.

8:07 - Beautiful moment with Buck fawning over Casey Blake's beard. "It's just full." Made so much better by McCarver hanging his man out to dry. He reminds me of the farmers in that one episode of Family Guy.

Stewie: So, anyone seen any good movies lately?
McCarver: Nope.
Stewie: ...read any good books?
McCarver: Nope.
Stewie:...anything new with baseball?
McCarver: OH BASEBALL'S ALWAYS INTERESTING

Cabrera makes a great catch to set down the Sox and HOLY SHIT Fox goes to commercial using the song from Snakes on a Plane that features heavy hitters such as the woman from the Sounds, the dude from the All American Rejects, and the black guy from Gym Class Heroes. If there's one thing that was worth seeing in that movie, it was that sequence during the credits. Hey Buck! I can see the venom in yer eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes!

8:12 - With the way Minnesota sports are going, I'm nearly certain that Joe Mauer, Johan Santana, Joe Nathan, Justin Morneau and Torii Hunter will all be named on the Mitchell Investigation report. With any luck, it'll only be Nick Punto. Man, this Jimmy John's veggie club is fucking delicious. Mmm... Schlling get the Sox out of the inning.

Here's something I wonder about a lot: games that are Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium on Fox are always a lot louder. Now, most people would probably say that it's because the fans are more active, but couldn't it just be that Fox turns the mics up for these games? I mean, they want to keep the myth of those teams alive, so wouldn't that be in their best interest? Someone should do some kind of decimal test, because a born Yankee fan told me at a Twins playoff game that he's never heard a fan base louder than the Twins in his life. Including NFL games.

You know what would be great? Dane Cook and Frank Caliendo fighting to the death. I don't know why everyone needs to repeat how great an impressionist Caliendo is, because that doesn't matter unless you're also funny. Also, Julio Lugo and Nick Punto should fight to the death on the undercard.

8:20 - Wow. Terrible at-bat for Lugo. Missed a hit-and-run, missed a bunt, struck out. Also, Kevin Youkilis looks like he should be fixing my dad's Chrysler.

8:26 - Buck on Youkilis - "Year in and year out, one of the most patient hitters in the game." Dude's been playing for, what, like two years? HOO BOY he wasn't patient on that swing was he?

8:34 - Fuck ass fuck fuck. Bases loaded. If Rameriez gets a hit here, it's over. Not just the game, but the series. I can call it here. I might put money on a home run. Carmona is shitting himself right now. 3-0. He's gotta throw a strike, right? You can't walk in the tying run, can you? Fuck, just did. 1-1.

8:35 - Lowell singles, 3-1 Sox. Ya know what, that's it. I'm done for now. I'll check the score to see if it gets closer later, but I can't watch a game in Boston where the Sox are winning. It's like kicking myself in the nuts. Later

Big Ten Network is for fools and liberals

For those of you who can't tell (which involves everyone and no one...can you decipher what you don't read? THIS IS WHAT WE THINK ABOUT IN COLLEGE) I'm from Minnesota. If you all know your regionally defined conferences well enough, you know that Minnesota is entrenched in Big Ten country. Also, we're, like, adjacent to Big 12 country, but no one's sure if Iowa State counts. Anyway, yeah. Big Ten. All about it here.

We're also one of the battleground states for the Big Ten Network issue - which makes it sound a lot more important than anyone should ever give it credit for. Currently, you can only get the BTN on dish providers, so we get lots of commercials with Tim Brewster's mug asking us to petition Comcast to put the channel on its basic package. Now, it's not worth asking whether or not this is insane - it's insane. There are already five sports channels here on the standard package (if you don't think golf is a sport, well, fuck you). Also, unlike Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Purdue, Ohio State, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Indiana, the U of M is located in a large metro area with professional sports, which seriously brings down the amount of interest for those who don't go (or haven't gone) to the U.

This also leads to a larger, more pervasive problem. Here at the U, sports are not a big deal. People like them, and many people get into it, but it's not like Michigan or Ohio State or Iowa or Penn State (football), Indiana (basketball), or Northwestern (Women's Lacrosse - probably). The world wouldn't stop here if sports fell off the face of the earth. This may change with Tubby Smith becoming the new basketball coach and the football team getting a new stadium, but until then, there's not going to be much enthusiasm.

And, sadly, Gopher football is only making the matter much, MUCH worse.

God, how the fuck do we lose to NORTHWESTERN? If you've read a sports blog over the last four years, you understand that Northwestern is about as perfect a target as they come - terrible teams, uniforms that feature purple, boring stadium. I mean FUCK - remember when they won the Big Ten like 10 years ago? People freaked out! I'm sure someone had a heart attack because of it. They're the dredge of the Big Ten, they're awful, they're excrement - and WE LOST TO THEM.

The point of this article is that I deeply enjoy getting mad, losing my shit, yelling everywhere, causing a scene. You name it, I freak out about it. I was all set to freak out about not getting the BTN, but now why should I? I don't need to watch the Gophers lose to Bowling Green, FAU and Northwestern. I can imagine that shit, fuckers. God damnit, Tim Brewster? Why did you do this? Is it because you know how much I like getting angry? Wait...now I'm angry! Awesome! Thanks, Tim Brewster!

I hope David Ortiz eats Manny Ramirez, or, A Long, Drawn out fuck you to Bill Simmons

As a sports fan, I have evolved significantly over the last five years. I went from someone who watched games because they were fun and exciting, and I never really followed my teams all that close (if the Twins or Bills were on, I'd watch, but unless it was do or die I wouldn't watch intently). Now, I start to watch games closer, pick up certain elements of the teams and how the games are being played. I'm certainly not to the point where I know what Joe Mauer's average with runners in scoring position is, nor do I really ever want to be. But I'm trying to become a little more attentive to detail.

One thing that has never changed about my love of sports is my appreciation for the big game. This is something that I take a great deal of pride in: if it's important in sports, I want to see it. I went through great pains to see the Padres-Rockies sudden death playoff game two weeks ago, I watched Game 7 of last year's NLCS even though I'm not a fan of either the Cardinals or the Mets. College basketball, football, boxing - I like seeing the moments when athletes transcend their sport to become something amazing, something beautiful.

My love for ESPN.com's Page 2 has coincided with this evolution of fandom. When I first started to read it, I thought it was the greatest outlet for sports journalism available to me. The articles were varied, they dealt with the fan condition, they dealt with racism and sexism and all the great and worldly things that sports could encompass. However, after the first few years my love began to wain, and I would check every once in awhile for updates, maybe read Jason Whitlock's article (before he was fired), see if Simmons was updating. Now, however, it's done, it's been finished, it's been killed.

What Page 2 has become is a lazy, glossy shadow of its former self. Though the number of writers of color has (in my best estimate) quadrupled, Tom Boyd is the only one that I enjoy reading. Jemele Hill has a mean streak to her writing, something sinister that I simply can't get behind. I've tried, Snoop Jackson, but your style is just a little too much for me. Bomani Jones, isn't awful, per say, and neither is LZ Granderson, but they just don't jump off the page at me.

Then we have the old guard, which was always (in my humble opinion) the worst part about Page 2. I've never liked Jim Caple, I've never liked Eric Neel (except when he did basketball jones, that was neat), David Flemming is bad, and same goes for Patrick Hruby and Tim Keown. They just do nothing for me. For a website that has so much potential for outside the mainstream opinions on sports, these writers simply don't do enough.

This leaves Bill Simmons, and the conclusion to the point about watching baseball I was making earlier. I've always been a Simmons fan, even though I'm firmly entrenched in the midwest, which he doesn't give a fuck about. He has a lively understanding of language, and most of his writing pops with a youthful vigor which is sincerely lacking in most sports writing. However, the shtick is just getting old. Simmons was brought in to represent the home region of ESPN, a region that had beleaguered with sadness and hardship in sports for at least 10 years at that point. The Pats never did anything, the Celtics were terrible, the Red Sox were the little brother, the Bruins were no good, they lost the Whalers - it made sense. Now, after 3 Super Bowl rings, one WS ring, two massive free agent signings for the Celtics and the abject collapse of Hockey in America, Boston is on top. They're bigger than New York. They've won. They can shut the holy fuck up about it.

What made Simmons so popular (which is the point here) is that his troubles endeared him to everyone who grew up in a sad sports town. His Red Sox teams of the early 2000s reminded me of my Timberwolves - always great, but could never bring down the big guy. Same with the Vikings. Same (a little later) with the Twins. Now, he's living in the middle of success, a success that people from smaller markets will never understand or experience because we can't spend the damn money. Sure his Sox won the series, but only because they went crazy and bought free agent after free agent before 2004. These are all money issues, but Simmons never wants to take responsibility for them - he would much rather disparage small markets for having terrible fans, cold weather, ugly women, etc., etc., etc. This all leads to today's mailbag, where he wrote:

No matter how much you love baseball, it's nearly impossible to care about the Colorado-Arizona series. You might watch it, you might enjoy it, you might even gamble on it ... but unless you're an absolute baseball nut or a Rockies/D-backs fan, how could you honestly care who wins when neither franchise is older than Jamie-Lynn Spears? It's like going to a wedding in which you don't know anything about the bride or the groom.

What about the fact that the Rockies are the hottest team in postseason baseball history, that they have an official religious affiliation, or a man who has stuck with the team for nearly 10 seasons with no playoff births and will now be playing for a shot in the World Series? What about the Diamondbacks - who, if I recall, were written off so many times this year as a pretender that they probably should have quit trying in June - making it this far with a team that has almost no holdovers from their 2001 World Series victory? (wait - do they have ANY holdovers? that might be worth looking up) What about the Diamondbacks having two of the most exciting young players in either league (Stephen Drew and Chris Young), plus the best pitcher no one seems to recognize? What about one of the most beautiful stadiums in one of the most beautiful cities in America? Or two fanbases that have never been given any credit? Or the fact that the Rockies might just make their first fucking World Series in the history of their franchise? No, you're right man. Nothing to care about here. Might as well put together your 32 plasma TVs and watch every NFL game with Hench, Sal, Lodi, Dreamy Pete, Huck, Tush, Skrape, and the rest of the gang while you all secretly wish the Yankees had made the ALCS. I can't take it anymore - I will never read a Bill Simmons piece again.

I hope David Ortiz eats Manny Ramirez.

Nick Saban: Douchebag

Watching Alabama lose to Florida State, I realize that I hate Nick Saban more than anyone else in sports. I believe this is a valid viewpoint. Why? Who cares? He sucks. He's the worst. Look at his track record:

- Wins National Championship, a truly remarkable feat.

- Goes to Miami Dolphins, a possible savior for a team much maligned with Fiedlers and Wannstedts.

- Famous for making a rookie cry during training camp.

- Forced to choose between a Running QB coming off a knee injury or a Pocket QB coming off a shoulder injury. In hindsight, he made the wrong decision.

- Somehow never learns that as a coach in the NFL you're not going to be loved unconditionally.

- Reassures everyone constantly that he will not leave Miami.

- Leaves Miami, instantly embraced by Alabama fan base that wouldn't care if Hitler was their coach as long as they won football games. Roll Tide

- Causes students to transfer because he's an asshole

- Looks like a smug fucker



How's anyone worse than him? He's a mercenary, he doesn't care about any of his fan bases, he doesn't care about his players, and he's a cash-grubbing douchebag. Sorry, this isn't an example of great journalism, I just really really hate this bastard.

Torii Hunter's taking his two I's and heading on out

There are two things I would like to say right here about Sunday's Twins game. The first is that I will miss Torii Hunter endlessly. As much as I was never able to realize it, he was my favorite player during his entire tenure, from that first newspaper article I read before his first season that was about how he had a goofy name (it was also about how Doug Meintkewicz and Johan Santana had weird names). His first full year with us was when you could see the team turn around. We weren't the Twinkies anymore. You see, this is why I was never really able to love Brad Radke; he still made me feel like we were a losing team. Same with Denny Hocking.

Torii has meant so much to this state and this team that it feels so wrong to have to lose him, and it is. We're losing Hunter because he knows he can get more money elsewhere, and that should be no reason to blame him. He's going to get paid huge bucks this offseason because 1)he's an aging centerfielder 2) he just had arguably his best offensive season and 3)he makes amazing catches all the live long day. (For a deeper explanation, please look up Gary Matthews Jr.) We won't pay him that money, no matter what he means to this team. If this were Boston or New York, there'd be riots if they let someone that meant this much go. But we have an image burned into our heads of Carl Pohlad's pockets untucked, his hands out wide and a face that says "Golly, I just don't have the cash!", so we say goodbye. I don't think you can be a real baseball fan unless you know what that feels like.

(Also, if Torii Hunter spent his career as a Yank or a Red Sock, he might be a Hall of Famer. As a Twin? No chance, even if he was/is the best defensive player of his generation. If Tim Salmon gets in I'm gonna slit his tires. HE HAS TO RUN AND DIVE BECAUSE HE'S WHITE AND SLOW.)

So I'm going to miss Torii. But almost all of these happy feelings were wiped out by Ozzie Guillen on Sunday. This is the second point: in a franchise players' last at-bat with his franchise, how do you sleep at night intentionally walking him? How do you not feel like the most evil fucker in the world. Kids at the stadium are already having a confusing and upsetting day (I would NOT want to be a parent of an 8-year-old and have to explain baseball market economics is the reason his/her favorite player has to go somewhere else) and then they see you do this? That wasn't the right play, that was gamesmenship. You're team has been mathmatically eliminated since last February, Ozzie. You just had to be a stupid son of a bitch and do that, cause everyone to feel pissed off on such a nice day. You make me puke, you stupid prick. I hate to end this way, but it was the bitches of bitch moves.